So, here we are, 1st of november already. Outside is grey and cold. In my head, it’s dark and scary..

Although this year I didn’t fear for my memories of my dad coming to haunt me, and yet they still do. I feel awful the last couple of days. The image of my dad a couple of hours before he died, are haunting me again.
Preventing me from sleeping at night. Preventing me from feeling my normal cheery self. I hate it. But I don’t know at the moment how to turn things around. I know I have to be careful not to fall to deep into that black hole, else I won’t be able to climb out on my own. So I try to do what I always do, at work, at home, I think only the people that know me really well noticed a difference in my moods. I am normally pretty good at keeping up appearance.

But yesterday at work, I broke. I started crying about something stupid and I hated myself for it, showing my weak side. Luckily it happened with a colleague who knows me very well and understands. But still…if this would have happened in front of my boss, that would have been pretty embarrassing.

Next week is my birthday and I don’t feel like it. But I guess those things are good to do, to get used to the fact that dad is not around anymore. I still miss him and I think that is never going to go away. But the pain is still there too, it heals but so, so, so slowly.

I hated this time of year as a kid. And as a grown up I hate it even more since my dad died. Humans should be able to go into a deep sleep during winter Sleep from october till march or something.

Well, since that’s not happening, I guess I’ll follow my best friend’s advice he gave me 2 years ago; sit my ass in that train and watch it all go by. There comes a time things will look up again.